Dark night of the Soul and God’s little angels.

I can feel the darkness of Midwinter calling me in deeper and deeper. This weekend I did a sweat lodge to connect to the darkness even more. Sweating, extreme heat forcing me to meet the dark, strong emotions, women screaming and crying, cooling down crawling in the mud, raw body covered in dirt, reaching out to the stars, resting by the fire. Puryfing my body, mind and soul. Sweet surrender to the dark night of the soul.

Pain, anger, fear, despair.. going into the Underworld, knowing there are pearls to be found there. Knowing phoenix will rise from its own ashes.

Christmas is coming. What meaning do you give to Christmas? Is it just eating with family, same old shit every year? Or do you dare to travel with the energy of this sacred times? Do you dare to ask yourself, what does the birth of Jesus Christ really mean to you?

You don’t even have to be a Christian to reach out to this symbolic ancient wisdom. I don’t consider myself to be a Christian.

 

 

To me it means that the light can only be born in the dark. No matter how dark the winter gets, we must trust in the birth of Jesus. We must trust that the light will return. This happens in metaphorical stories, this happens in nature and this happens within ourselves. Do you connect to your inner wisdom? Do you take time to rest and reflect? What light wants to be born in you?

 

 

I’ve been feeling low in energy for weeks. A lot of healing and magic is happening as I let go into the darkness.

I just went running in the woods. After a while I stopped and sat down in the moss against a tree. I started crying and praying. In the beginning thoughts came up like “I hope nobody sees me”, but then I just let it all come out and I was whining like a baby. Screaming all the pain out. I was praying for God to send me a sign of his presence.

Suddenly I open my eyes and I see an old man. For a split second I feel ashamed and I try to hide my tears, but there is no more hiding from Him. The face of this man is so loving, it is as if I am looking at God himself. The power of true intimacy, is when we allow ourselves to be fully seen beyond our masks.

He kneels down in front of me and he truly sees me. Crying and ashamed I tell him that I was praying to God for help and then he showed up out of nowhere. I’m so happy I opened the conversation about God, because the man starts to share beautiful wisdom from the bible. He reminded me that when we feel pain it means God is working with us and purifying us.

I tell him that I am always the one to believe in Love, but now it has been dark for so long. He says God only gives us as much as he knows we can take.

I cry even more… shamelessly. And I see his eyes tearing up as well, in this beautiful deep connection.

Then I pray for him, saying thanks to God for sending this man as an angel.

The man gets up, walks away and waves at me one last time as he disappears behind the trees.

Did this just happen for real? It was so magical, I might have been dreaming. But no, it was real.

I continue to cry, but now my despair has turned into gratefulness.

I feel like everything is being taken away from me. My relationship, my work.. I sacrifice everything. All I want is to be God’s holy servant. I don’t care what he’ll have me doing.

The dark night of the soul, is forcing me to let go even deeper, and surrender everything I am into the loving arms of God.

I never thought surrender could be so painful. My ego is fighting, trying to be in control, trying to make plans for next year, to answer e-mails, built an empire.. but all I can do is let go in the darkness, trusting God more then ever.

I have no money. I have no future.

All I have is this grant, holy Love in my heart and my deep devotion to share it wherever it is needed.

Amen.